To Lose and Regain
by potatopeeling
Summary: Takes place sometime during Red Robin 25. If Cass hadn't arrived just in the nick of time to save Tim, he would have to try to cope with the effects of being sexually assaulted.


**Warnings: Triggers for rape**, psychological trauma and its effects, anxiety, etc. Please don't read this if those things bother you.

**Notes: **First, a disclaimer that this is largely based on Tim's reactions to psychological trauma in canon while taking into consideration the common reactions to sexual assault. Secondly, this is my first time writing something like this, so even though I did some research, it's very possible I did something wrong. So if anything offends or angers you, please let me know and I'll do my best to edit it and learn from it. Thirdly, I'm a bit iffy on the writing style for this, so I would greatly appreciate input on that as well, negative or positive. As for the timeline, this takes place somewhere during Red Robin issue 25.

* * *

><p>While it's happening, the strain on his wrists is almost unbearable. He tries to concentrate on the pain as he hangs from the ceiling, shackles harsh against his skin. It's an awkward position, and he has to wonder why she chose it. He tries to think about the situation logically (<em>if he could just get his legs free, he could-<em>) but the noise distracts him.

The noise their bodies make as she moves against him, vicious in her thrusts. The sound and feeling of her breath huffing against his cheek as he avoids eye contact. It turns his stomach. He can hear himself breathing as well, and he dimly registers that he's hyperventilating. He's panicking, so he tries to focus and do one of Bruce's meditation techniques, but his thoughts are disjointed and rapid. (_Just like Damian-_) He tries not to think about how it feels good and horrible at the same time.

The entire time, her sister watches. He can feel her gaze burning his skin and it's the most humiliated he's ever felt. (_Where's Cass?_) His stomach jumps up into his throat and for one horrifying moment, he thinks he might actually vomit all down her back. (_They're going to kill him._) He just wants it to stop. He's terrified of what will happen when it ends. (_Don'tcomedon'tcomedon'tcome-_)

He can't help it. She comes first, tightening sickeningly all around him and he wants to scream, but his body orgasms instead. She leers and grins in satisfaction as he finally starts to cry. He's shaking everywhere and she's still on him, debating in whispers in his ear how she'll kill him.

Black Bat appears just as she decides, fist smoking black and ready to rip out his jugular. She defeats the two sisters with an impressive mix of rage and ease and releases him from the shackles. Tim gets dressed in silence, still shaking, and they continue with the plan.

* * *

><p>As they rush to escape the catacomb, they return to find the room empty of the two assassins. If he weren't already running from an impending explosion, he would panic.<p>

* * *

><p>"Don't tell Batman," he says to her. He can tell from the look she gives him that he doesn't have to specify.<p>

* * *

><p>Tam slaps him. He knows he deserves it, and he regrets what he did to her. The sting of her anger doesn't bother him as much as knowing that he's happy he screwed this up bothers him. It's almost sick how he's grateful that he doesn't have to worry about having a relationship with a nice, normal girl. As he rubs his cheek, he realizes he should feel more guilty.<p>

* * *

><p>Cass tries to tell him he doesn't have to help her with Cricket, but he cuts her off before she can finish and insists. It's a bad idea. He's so distracted during the fight that he ends up hurt worse than he has been in years. It doesn't help that the kid can give <em>Cass<em> a run for her money. Still, he can't help but feel ashamed at how easily he lost a fight to a child.

For the next six weeks, he has nothing to do with his time except keep up appearances as Tim Wayne, take care of a few business issues, and watch late night television.

There's never anything on, so he sits at his computer, trying to find her. By the end of each night, he vomits at least once.

* * *

><p>He dreams of a boy with his hair, Damian's scowl, and her eyes. He wakes up panting and shaking harder than when he dreams of his father's blood.<p>

After a few minutes, he gets up and goes down to the gym, fully aware he's messing up his sleeping schedule. He doesn't particularly care.

Over the next few weeks, his already strict diet becomes unforgiving. Once his injuries heal, he spends most of his day training and most of his night on the computer. His patrols are brief, leaving most of the city to Batman and Robin. For the most part, he's given up on sleeping.

Tim's lean muscles become even more defined as the small remainder of body fat wastes away. Every day, he covers up the bags under his eyes with make-up. It wouldn't do to draw attention to his health, whether it's from Dick or the media. He makes sure to get a waterproof brand, just in case he sweats or cries. It pays to be prepared.

* * *

><p>He nearly has a panic attack every time he sees Damian. He did, twice, and the boy had laughed at him and asked if he was sick as he left the room. Now, he tries to control his body enough to keep from shaking and hyperventilating in front of Dick and his scrutinizing eyes. He's not sure if it works.<p>

Tim avoids the manor but eventually Dick gets suspicious. They fight when he brings it up, Tim lashing out in fear and Dick in concern. Eventually, he promises to visit more, lying about a demanding case, and Dick doesn't quite buy it but lets it go.

* * *

><p>It's weird, but he wants to talk to Cass. He just doesn't want to hide anymore.<p>

He leaves her a message asking how her cases in Hong Kong are going, and she's back the next week. He's not sure if it's a coincidence or if Cass is getting better at the detective thing.

They end up not talking at all when she visits, but he's sure he says enough with his body language that she understands why he contacted her. It's both comforting and mortifying the way she knows everything he doesn't want to say.

Before she leaves, she hugs him and kisses him on the cheek and before he knows it, Tim's on the floor after trying to knee her in the stomach. It takes a few moments for his brain to completely catch up with his body and Cass is kind enough to let him lie there panting as he does the math. It suddenly hits him that he's showing the classic signs of a rape victim and for a moment, he can't breathe. Cass sits on the floor next to him, silent and not touching, as he breaks down.

* * *

><p>Dick insists they patrol together one night and Tim knows it'll only make him more suspicious if he declines. So he joins Batman and Robin as they scan the city for crime.<p>

At one point, they come across a group of men following an increasingly anxious woman and Tim knows he takes them out too quickly and too roughly for it to look routine. Heart pounding, he can feel Batman's eyes on his back as his trembling hands fumble with the zip ties. Before he can say anything, Tim lies and says he just got new information on a case sent to his email. Batman just watches him as he swings away and later, he gets a call from Oracle informing him that Dick insists he stay at the manor this week. He cuts her off when she tries to say how worried they are about him. It's the last thing he wants to hear.

* * *

><p>"Drake," Damian says to him in the Cave. "You don't look at me anymore. What happened? Finally realized your inherent inferiority?"<p>

Damian can't see his eyes behind the cowl so Tim reminds him of this.

"I don't need to," he responds. "I can tell."

Tim swallows down his heartbeat and looks at Damian's face. The narrowed whited-out eyes stare back at him and he's suddenly struck with the idea of his own child - her child - coming back to haunt him a decade from now, either to kill him or to force their way into Tim's family. The idea that his child could be the next Robin paralyzes him and he forgets to breathe.

He can't even look Damian in the eye behind a mask. He can't imagine living with her child, facing them every day. He wouldn't be able to saddle Dick with them like Bruce did, even if it came to that.

Damian yells something at him as he leaves the room without a word to lock himself in the bathroom and allow himself to hyperventilate.

* * *

><p>Dick won't let him out of the manor. Well, he's allowed to go out, but he's not allowed to sleep anywhere else. Tim could very easily not listen to him and leave anyway, but that would just raise more suspicion about his behavior lately. He knows he isn't acting like himself. He just can't bring himself to care.<p>

Dick asks if this is about his dad. Or if someone else died. Tim tells him he's been watching Captain Boomerang a lot lately and Dick leaves it at that. It's not a lie, but it's not the truth, either.

He knows it's only a matter of time before Dick figures it out. Which means that it's only a matter of time before Bruce finds out.

* * *

><p>Cassie suggests that he take some time off as leader. He snaps at her, indignant and insulted, but she goes on in that quiet tone that tells him that she's worried about him. Despite her persistence, he refuses to give up his position. Deep down, he knows it's not about his pride but because he needs the control. The next few things he says are rude and disgusting, he realizes later, and Cassie only barely holds back from punching him.<p>

Later, Conner comes to his room to talk about it and Tim knows Cassie sent him. It pisses him off that no one will leave him alone. He tells Conner this and he looks at Tim like he's offended.

"We're just trying to help you, Tim," Conner says and Tim snaps. He doesn't want their help. He can _handle_ it; he knows he can. Conner tries to put his hand on Tim's shoulder, but he roughly shrugs it off. Tim can only hope he's uneducated enough not to understand it. Regardless, he must take it as a sign of rejection because with one last hurt look at Tim, he leaves.

* * *

><p>He hasn't touched himself since before that night under Paris. It's not that he wants to - he hasn't been especially horny lately. It's that he wants to be able to.<p>

As he sits hunched over in his computer chair, hand stilled on his dick and eyes scrunched up with repressed tears, he thinks about how he never imagined he'd find masturbation so important.

* * *

><p>That week, Dick finds him sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in hands, awake at four in the morning from a nightmare. Dick has a glass of water in his hand, obviously having gotten up out of thirst, and Tim can't bring himself to acknowledge his presence or stop crying. He can only be thankful he isn't sobbing.<p>

The mattress squeaks and sinks next to him and then there's an arm around his shoulders and he's being pulled against Dick's chest. The hand petting his head is only mildly comforting but Tim lets it continue. He's too tired to pull away; he hasn't gotten a decent night's sleep in months. For now, he just fights the feeling of shame and lets his brother hold him.

When Dick asks about his father, Tim nods in confirmation.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dick asks. Tim does and doesn't. So he tells him again about seeing his father's bloody corpse, about seeing Kon dead and learning of Bart's and Steph's deaths, about losing his adoptive father. His life is one traumatic event after another because he spends his time dressing in spandex and leather and fighting robot aliens even though he doesn't have any superpowers. He doesn't know how it ended up like this, with everything gone to hell. He remembers being fourteen and how his biggest concerns were his girlfriend's protective uncle and getting enough sleep after patrol to make sure he didn't fail his history test. Dick doesn't try to tell him that Kon and Bart and Steph and Bruce are alive now because he knows that's not the point.

The point is he's Red Robin and everything in his life is out of control.

* * *

><p>Seven months later he finds her. When he pinpoints her location to a small city in Russia, he sits at his computer for hours, eyes fixed on the map of the town and the video feeds alongside it. Eventually, he moves, donning his cowl and stalking to the garage a few levels down.<p>

Tim arrives at the Batcave a half hour later. Bruce is there, studying data from an important case on the large monitor and not acknowledging his arrival. Tim watches his back for a few minutes, feeling the rage and fear turn in his stomach.

"I need your help," he eventually says, the words ringing in the silence of the cave. Batman turns slowly and the white lens of the cowl pierces right through him, making Tim's heartbeat jump into his throat.

He knows.

Tim's instinct is confirmed when Batman hits a key and the display on the monitor switches from a set of murder investigations to the same map and video feeds on his computer back at his base. _Stupid_, he thinks. Oracle had probably been watching him the entire time, he should have covered his tracks, set up protection-

"All you had to do was ask," Batman says and hits another key, changing the image on the screen to a confirmation of a purchase of four plane tickets to Russia. To his right, he hears a scoff come out from the shadows.

"_Russia_. Just where I wanted to spend my week. This had better be worth it, Drake."

Tim's head snaps to see Dick and Damian come into the harsh light from the computer, Dick looking like he can't decide whether to be angry or heartbroken. It's oddly reassuring how Damian is just as bratty as ever even if it makes Tim want to punch him in the face.

"Black Bat is already on a plane from Hong Kong," Batman tells him as he tries to come with the terms of his entire family knowing. And helping. He had known they wouldn't outright reject him, but having it confirmed in an almost intervention-like fashion is comforting.

Tim breathes out slowly and attempts a shaky smile. "When do we leave?"


End file.
